False Hope

It's day 35 in my cycle...and no sign of Aunt Flo anywhere in sight. I tested several times at home and kept getting negative tests. So, I called my doctor and she ordered a blood test. Negative. Bummer. Big bummer.

My cycles are usually at the longest 30 days. NEVER have they been 35. I'm a bit bummed. Well, saying "a bit" is really an understatement. I'm really bummed. Even though I tried so hard not to get excited...I did. I couldn't help myself. So, my body gave me a bit of false hope.

I'm still charting, temping, and watching and waiting. Hopefully Aunt Flo will come soon so I can get this month over with and move on to next.

Hope

Well, I'm approaching the end of another cycle. I'm certain it wasn't a successful month. But, there's always that tinge of hope, isn't there? Will that ever go away? I mean, even years from now if we aren't able to succeed in conceiving a second child...will I always hope at the end of every cycle that a pregnancy was the result?

There are many ways to define hope. To list a few...
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. To have confidence; trust.
3. To look forward to with confidence or expectation.
4. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
5. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
6. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
7. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

I find myself very hopeful every month. Reality always bites back...and hard. I have a dear friend and cheerleader (outside of my husband) on this mission of conceiving, Cathy. She is so sweet and always seems to say exactly what I need to hear. It's like I'm running a marathon and she's on the sidelines offering me words of encouragement and sometimes a kick in the butt if I need it. She recently said to me after I saw my temps drop after ovulation, "You didn't think it would be *this* easy did you?" You know, I didn't. But, boy wouldn't that have been grand? A full month of charting and then it happens! Ha...I know that's laughable to you friends out there in IF land. But, hope...it doesn't pay attention to that kind of thing. It's always there. Always in the back of my mind pushing me on to the next month.

"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more." -Psalm 71:14

Precious Scripture

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Sometimes a Girl Needs a Blog

It's true. Sometimes, a girl just needs a blog. That's me. I need a place to vent/release all my information, thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes, dreams, and ideas about our battle with secondary infertility. That's going to be right here on this blog. We have a family blog that I update at least twice a week but that's a fun blog...that blog is happy all the time because it's about our journey to raise our sweet Sarah Kate. This is a place I can go when I've had a bad day or when I'm worried or scared without being a constant humming in my friend's/family's ears. My hope for this blog is that if/when we do have our second baby, that child can see how very much he/she was wanted and how long we prayed and hoped for him or her. We're very early on in this game of secondary infertility. As a matter of fact, we haven't seen a doctor yet. Our year of trying was up in August. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on October 23.

I read the best article last night that was written by a lady who had the same issues with secondary fertility as I. Man was it dead on how I felt. It’s a crazy feeling. You struggle between the joy over the child you’ve been given and the pain from the children you might never have. There are so many emotions that go along with this…fear, anxiety, guilt, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, & hopelessness. When we had Sarah Kate I didn’t have to think about getting pregnant…it just happened. She was such a great surprise. We were going to start trying in April of 2006 and we got pregnant in January of 2006 so “trying” never reached our vocabulary at that time. Boy how I took that for granted…the ease of her conception. In a million years I would have never anticipated that we would deal with this…infertility. I didn’t even know it was possible once you had your first child. The hardest thing to date, to deal with has been the loneliness that I feel every single day. There are constant reminders to me (and only me) that this day is another day passing, that this moment we need to do this or that, that when the cycles end or begin I’m the one that’s reminded of defeat. I pray every day that God’s will will abound in my life. That what He sees perfect for my family will come to fruition. Sometimes that’s a littler harder to feel in your heart than it is just to say out loud in prayer.

Hard Topic

This being my first post on our secondary infertility blog, I thought I'd give some background. This is a post from our family blog that I made in early September...I just pasted it here too because it fit for a first post to catch everyone up.

Most people will change the subject. Fast. They don’t want to feel that awkwardness in the air. They don’t know what to say or how to react. I understand. Why? It’s quite possibly because I was in their shoes once upon a time. I was probably made to feel the long silences because I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. But, now…now, I know. I know because I’m there. I’m the one who creates those harsh situations. It’s not intentional. But, when I bring up the topic of our secondary infertility…people are just simply at a loss. I think it’s because they don’t believe it. I mean, after all, we do have one beautiful baby girl. But, this second time around…to say it’s been filled with heartache would be an understatement. I’ve kept it off the blog for several reasons but at this point in time, I want to share. I want to share because it’s my journal – it’s my place of release and it’s my keepsake.

Let me start at the beginning of our journey for a second child. We tossed the “baby” word around for a while before we decided to start trying for a sibling for Sarah Kate but it was at her second birthday that we said, “Okay…this is it…we’re going to start trying!”. So, that was August 2008. So, imagine how thrilled we were when we found out the day after my 29th birthday (December 29th) that we were expecting. I was so excited. Aaron was so excited. I experienced some spotting so I knew that right off the bat that this pregnancy was different than my first. I had some blood work done and we found out that my progesterone was low. I was put on daily suppositories and that fixed the problem…or so I thought. I didn’t really worry much. I knew a family member who had used progesterone during her pregnancy so it wasn’t a concern for me…after all, she had a beautiful baby boy to show for it. But, when I went for my first appointment on January 26 (I was 9 weeks along) and Dr Simms rolled that ultrasound wand over my cervix, the image popped up on the screen and I knew something wasn’t right. I knew that didn’t look like a peanut (the nickname Sarah Kate had the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy with her). It looked like a dot with a circle around it. Dr Simms frowned and placed her hand on my knee, “Kristin, this happens so much.” As tears gathered, I knew this was a miscarriage. She printed some ultrasound pictures for my file and gave me a moment to regroup. I sat in that room and I honestly don’t recall a moment in my life where I felt more alone. I had to be the one to deliver this news to Aaron. It’s crazy how some tiny little speck on an ultrasound monitor can make my world crumble in a matter of seconds. Questions of why and how flooded my mind. I was dressed and sitting in the chair waiting for Dr Simms. She gave me a long talk. I wonder if all doctors do that or is it because she’s just the greatest? I’m not sure. She said, “Kristin, God has a way, you know? A way of taking care of things that we just can’t understand. He could have been saving you from some much greater hurt down the road.” As I shook the chair from my body-jerking cry, I managed to whisper, “I know.” But did I know? Nothing that anyone could have said was going to comfort me in that moment. Nothing really comforts me today. Truth me told, not a day goes by that I don’t think of my angel baby. He/She would have been born in late-August (my due date was August 31). I guess that’s what prompts my post today. I know that at this point…on this day, September 3, we would have a brand new baby in our arms. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ll never forget calling Aaron as I sat in the car in that dark parking garage. I couldn’t even talk, I was crying so hard. All he was saying was, “Kristin! Kristin! What is it?” I finally got out, “No baby.” After a very short conversation he called my mom…they talked (Mom was at the house watching Sarah Kate) and he expressed his huge worry about me. He wasn’t as upset as I was about the miscarriage…he just wanted me to be okay. The reason for that is because I truly believe God gives us that gift as Moms to instantly attach to that life growing inside. The minute you know it’s there (and in some cases even before) you love that baby. So, saying goodbye is a hard thing for mommas. I remember Mom telling me later that she promised Aaron that she would not let me drown in this. For some reason even weeks later when she told me that, I found that such a comfort.

By no means did I ever put the miscarriage behind me. It’s like a book that will always stay open in my heart…unwritten & unfinished. But, we were told that 2 months after the miscarriage that we could try again. Thankfully my body was able to discard the pregnancy and I didn’t require a DNC. For that, I am so thankful. So, in April, we started trying again. Every month the same thing…as the first day of my cycle would approach there would be jitters in my stomach. I always found myself hopeful that THIS month would be the month that God would bless us once again with a little tiny positive on that stick. Each month has come and gone since with nothing but negative signs on those sticks. Each month there’s a red light…no pun intended…that’s telling us “Nope, not this time.” So at this point, with 13 months of trying and one failed pregnancy we’re stuck in what is called secondary infertility. So, what does that mean? It means that we might have to try a little bit harder than the average Joe to have a baby. That’s what it means. Now, I know that there are plenty of people out there who A) have to do a lot more than we have…so far…to conceive and that B) there are people out there who never conceive but this situation is unique to me so I’m writing what I know and what I feel. Until we see a doctor we have to chart, take basal body temperatures every single morning, and other things you probably don’t want to hear about. We have an appointment in late October to see my OB/GYN. She knows what this visit will be. She knows me well. I’ve already spoken with her and several nurses in their office. It will be a typical annual exam but then some. There will be blood work, I’m sure. My friend Cathy warned me to hold on…it could be a bumpy ride. I now understand exactly why she had to name her first baby Faith. It’s the only thing that carries you through and sometimes you even run a little short on it. Hopefully, a low dose fertility drug will be all we need but if not, we’ll continue to try hard and then even harder after that until we hopefully see only positive signs on those little test sticks. Sometimes that seems so far away. But, I’m not putting limits on God and I’m going to pray every day for more faith and more hope that someday we’ll get to have, not just one, but two beautiful children to love and care for. I dream. I really do have dreams that show me Sarah Kate holding a baby and playing with him/her. Maybe someday, just someday that dream will become reality for us.