Life Lessons

This morning Sarah Kate woke up at 6:00. Early bird gets the worm, right? She was anxious to get to school today. Only problem was, she had to wait until 8:15 to leave. So, after eating breakfast, doing her inhaler, brushing her teeth, cleaning her earrings, and getting dressed we still had an hour left to burn. She didn't want to watch cartoons. She didn't want to read. She didn't want to play. She WANTED to go to SCHOOL! I kept telling her that the doors would be locked, nobody would be there. I could see what she couldn't. I knew that we'd go there and sit in the parking lot for an hour waiting on someone to arrive. It didn't make sense. She still didn't understand and insisted that we leave. Of course, even though she cried a bit and was very impatient, I stayed at home until it was the right time to leave.

This morning...with this situation...I was reminded of myself and how often I plead with God for things to happen when I want them to. I am often Sarah Kate. I cry and worry and fret. I want to go to "school" NOW! But, God can see ahead. He knows that if things were to happen on my clock that we might sit in an empty parking lot for hours. I have to learn to trust God's timing. I have to trust in His perfect plan.

Just like with this second baby. I think things are going well. No more spotting, feeling fine, one ultrasound down, progesterone staying at good levels...but I'm not in control. He is. I have to know that no matter what time God chooses to make things happen (or not) in my life...HE is in control. He sees all and He knows all. He always knows what's best for His children.

How I Feel

I'm 6 weeks (and some days) pregnant right now. I'm starting to feel pregnant. To be honest, I've had symptoms for about 3 weeks now. My breasts have been so tender and sore. But, as of the past week or so, I feel tired. Very tired. That's exactly what I felt with Sarah Kate. All I wanted to do was sleep. I do great during the day but by about 7:30ish I'm ready to crash.

My Itty Bitty Baby

Dearest Baby Mine,


I'm carrying your tiny sesame seed sized body around in my belly today. Although I've vowed not to love you yet, for fear of loosing you, I can't help myself. I tell your Daddy that I'm not attached. I tell your myself that I'm okay either way this pregnancy goes. But, the truth is, I'm in love. I can't help it. It's a gift really. God gave it to me. He gave me this wonderful ability to love you right from the very first thought of you. And I do. I am already wondering what you will be. Will you be a little boy that likes to run and play in the dirt? Or will you be another sweet little girl who loves to dress in pink and pearls? Will you look like your big sister? Will you come early like she did? Will you be laid back or full of energy? Will you have brown eyes like your Daddy and me or blue like Sarah Kate?

See? You're only 5 very short weeks old and I already have a mind that is filled with thoughts of you. And a heart that's full of love for you. Am I still scared? Yes. Very. I'm scared that like my last pregnancy - you'll be taken out too soon. I'm scared that I'll never get to meet you and find out the answers to all those questions. But, you know what? I'll love you either way. I'm your Mommy already...even before I have met you and you will always have a spot in my heart. Always and forevermore and that's a promise from me to you, sweet baby.

My prayer is that I will be able to hold you tight in 8 or so months. That I'll be able to smell your sweet baby face and kiss your little head. My prayer is that God will bless you and I both with health throughout the months ahead. And until we meet, my sweet baby, know that you've already found a spot in my heart and in my mind.

I love you dearly,

Mommy

Ultrasound #1

Well, today was my first visit with Dr S. for this pregnancy. Really, it was just an ultrasound to make sure things were as they should be at 5 weeks. The gestational sac and yolk sac measured 5 weeks and 6 days. According to my last period I should be 5 weeks and 2 days. So, the little baby is growing as it should for this stage in pregnancy. For some reason I won't get into (it's too lengthy) the ultrasound tech could even tell that I ovulated from my right ovary. Pretty neat. It's still so early. So much could change. So much WILL change. But, I just don't know in what direction yet. I'm very happy with today's results just not getting attached yet.

My blood pressure was 132/90. Yes, it's high but it's par for the course at this point. As Dr S. said, "I've seen it worse." She wasn't concerned. I document my very normal blood pressures every day for record.

First appointment went well. My first official OB visit (with labs, another ultrasound, etc) will be May 4 and I'll be about 8 weeks. Looking forward to seeing baby's progress.

Bitter Sweet

I remember the early days of my pregnancy with Sarah Kate. I remember when we found out and how Aaron literally giggled and ran up and down the halls of our first home. I remember reading every day what type of growth was happening inside of me. I remember anticipation and energy and excitement and no fear. I'm sure all subsequent pregnancies are different after you've experienced it once before. You know more of what to expect. That wonder isn't the same. That's kind of sad for me. That paired with the fact that I can't let myself get excited yet. I'm suppressing my excitement, my happiness even, so that my heart doesn't get broken too badly again.

May 4 (my 8 week appointment) can't come soon enough. I want to feel that anticipation, the calm after the storm, the reassurance, the energy that I felt with when I was pregnant with Sarah Kate. I want to know it's all going to be okay. I want to see a little heart beat and know that this precious life growing inside is okay.

Some Good News

Some things have changed since my last post. I repeated labs, per my doctor's instructions, on Monday (April 5) which was 48 hours from my very first lab. The numbers should have doubled in that time. So, since my last lab was 29, I was hoping for somewhere around 58. The result was 115. It almost exactly quadrupled. The results from my progesterone also came in and they are at a very stable 18. Those results, to me, were hopeful.

Due to my previous miscarriage, Dr. S. wanted me to repeat labs later in the week. So, on Friday morning (April 9) I went for another repeat lab. From my original labs the level should be around 232. If I calculated doubles every 48 hours from my last lab (of 115) my levels should be around 460. I would have been happy if the number fell somewhere in between. I got my results Friday afternoon and again - very hopeful. They were 922. Again, quadrupled.

Things look good today. But, I know that at any given moment that can change. I'm only 4 weeks right now. My spotting has subsided for now. All last week it was hit or miss. There's a long journey ahead. Very long. So, one day at a time. I'll hear from my doctor's office sometime on Tuesday as to what the next course of action is. The nurse did mention that if my levels continue to jump like they are that they will call me in when they reach 2000 for a "head count ultrasound". Yes, you read that right. There might be more than one. We're continuing to pray that God's will be done in our lives and that His hand of comfort will surround us.

I'm a worrier by nature. It's what I do and what I've always done. But, I read something just this weekend that truly spoke to me. "Worry ends where faith begins." My faith needs to be stronger. I'm working on that. I'm doing my best to put this entire thing in God's hands and know that He will carry us through no matter what path this pregnancy heads down.

Unsure

As of today, I don't know exactly how the results of our first round of Clomid will turn out. First, let's get the technical stuff out of the way. Since this is my record and journal of all things infertility...I'm going to jot down what I know. My first clomid cycle started on March 8. I did exactly everything that my doctor advised and exactly when she advised it. On cycle day 23, I had some spotting. That's not typical of my cycles. Usually they run long - around 30 days. Spotting continued. On cycle day 26 I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I called my doctor and they immediately ordered labs. I took another at home test on Saturday and it was a stronger positive. Saturday (April 3) afternoon I went to the hospital here in town for a blood draw. I got the results this morning. The blood work came back positive. However, the hcg levels were low...29. They also tested for low progesterone and I'm still waiting to her the results of that. The spotting continues as of today, cycle day 29. I'll repeat labs this afternoon to see if the levels are on their way down (miscarriage) or on their way up (possible successful pregnancy).

There's not really much I know right now. All of this happened with the last miscarriage. My levels even went up on the second lab results. So, even if the labs are favorable tomorrow that doesn't mean all will be well. I'm just riding it out. Taking it day by day. Mom said on the phone with me this morning that I sounded good. To be honest...I'm fine. With my first miscarriage, I was side swiped. I was expecting (due to good labs and no more spotting) that things were fine and went into the doctor's office to find out the complete opposite. So, this time...I have prepared myself for the worst. I'm not attaching to this baby. Not yet. If it sticks then I'll grow to love it just as I did Sarah Kate in the early stages of pregnancy. But, if it doesn't stick then I won't have my heart broken. Better to be safe than sorry, I guess.

On top of that I feel a peace. I've stopped praying for a second child. I pray for peace. I pray that God's will be done in our lives. I pray that He will direct our every move and our every focus. So, whatever reason there is for these bumps in the road, I'm sure that God has a plan for our family. I just have to listen and wait.