Misbehaving

Misbehaving. Yes, that's my boy. I went in on Friday for my second NST. I promise not to bore you with a report every single time I go in (12 more times between here and December 6) but this time was quite funny. My appointment was at 9:00. So, Matt came down the night before and got up to spend the morning with Skatie.

I got in pretty quick and was taken back to a room. They strapped me onto the fetal heart monitor and the contraction monitor. Seriously, I was there...on my side...in one position for an hour and 20 minutes. That little boy was ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. I mean, he wouldn't sit still for any amount of time. He'd be on the monitor for about 4 minutes and then bounce off again. Dr S. came in and said, "Okay, enough is enough. He's just too wild today. Let's do an ultrasound." So, lucky me - I got an ultrasound a week early! He was just fine and dandy. He's weighing in at 4 lbs and 10 oz. and he's the cutest thing ever. He's head down now but he still had those little toes and hands up in front of his face. He was opening and closing his mouth trying to get something to suck on. It was precious to watch him. On top of that the the ultrasound tech even got a little excited because we caught him with his eyes open. She said that's rare to catch so she really enjoyed it but probably not as much as I did. He was doing all the right stuff and apparently I'm doing all the right stuff to provide a good home for him until December. I'll try to get some new ultrasound pictures up.

It was such a sweet visit. I love ultrasounds! It just makes me more and more excited to finally meet this little boy.

First Non Stress Test

Today was my first NST appointment. I got there and they weighed me. Let me just say, this time has been so different in this department. This time with weight gain - it's 17 lbs. at 32 weeks. With Sarah Kate my weight gain was 45 lbs at this point. Not because I ate a ton more food with her and it certainly wasn't because she herself was big. It was fluid. In the three days after I had her, I lost 30 of those pounds. ANYWAY, this week again I lost a pound just like last week. Great - it's less I have to lose after I have him. He's not in any danger. It's just my diet has changed. That's the difference.Okay, so there's that and then came the dreaded blood pressure. For whatever reason (me being nervous about the first NST this pregnancy, worried about how Sam would respond, etc) my blood pressure was higher than it has been. 158/78. The bottom number was better than perfect. That top number- not so much. The nurse kind of panicked. They hooked me up to the monitors and let Sam do his little song and dance while I was supposed to calm down. Samuel Corbin cracked me up. Through 50% of the test his little baby butt had the hiccups. It made me giggle...which I needed at that moment of time. Dr. S. walked in half way through the test and said, "What are your pressures at home?" I replied, "120s over 60s and 70s." She answered, "That's what I thought. Your heart and mind won't let you forget what happened this time last pregnancy. I take that into account." Whew. No hospital visit this time. Hallelujah. Sam responded text book to the test (his heart rate and movement). He's doing great. Thank you, God. What a gift! Dr S. did run a preeclampsia panel of blood work just to be on the safe side since there was a bit of a change in my blood pressure from previous visits. I'm sure (since my pressures are better than perfect at home) that the results will be great.

We go back Friday for another NST. Hopefully we'll have an even better appointment then with an even better blood pressure.

EDIT TO ADD:I just got a call from the doctor's office with my lab results. My preeclampsia screening was perfect. I'm not even boarder line preeclamptic. Praise God! In fact, I'm not even anemic anymore! Thank you, God...thank you so very much.

32 Weeks!

This is exactly the time I had Sarah Kate. I looked a lot different though. I was in the bed 24/7 and swollen almost to the point of not being able to recognize me. This time around - much better. Can't wait to meet you in 7 short weeks, my sweet baby boy!

My Days

I have so enjoyed this pregnancy. It's been a total different experience from my last...in a good way. I've felt 100% and I've not been on bedrest and I've yet to have a hospital stay (knock on wood). I have so very much to be thankful for! However, I do have to share my daily experiences with you so that little Sam (or his wife or kids or someone) might someday see what life was life for me while he swam around in my tummy.

Morning:
Take Medicine (blood pressure pill, baby aspirin, folic acid, prenatals)
Take Blood Sugar (prick finger and record)

Breakfast:
Eat my planned out meal
Take Blood Sugar (2 hours later - prick and record)

Snack:
Must have a balanced snack to keep my blood sugar regulated
Take Iron pill

Lunch:
Eat my planned out lunch
Take Blood Sugar (2 hours later - prick and record)

Snack:
Must have balanced snack to keep my blood sugar regulated
Take Iron pill

Supper:
Eat my planned out supper
Take Blood Sugar (2 hours later - prick and record)

Snack:
Eat planned out snack
Take another blood pressure pill
BED!

You might laugh but that's a lot of meds and pricking to remember in a day's time. Add the distraction of a sweet little 4 year old and it's easy to forget at least one of those very important things. But, I'm doing it...and trying to stay on top of it. Not because of any of this but I am very excited to meet my baby boy. December 6th can't get here fast enough!

Gestational Diabetes

At my 28 week visit I took the 1 hour glucose challenge. I failed. My lab result was 162 and anything over 140 is considered high. So, they called me in to repeat the glucose challenge but this time it was to be a fasting 3 hour test. So, at about 8:00 on Tuesday night, I stopped eating. Wednesday morning I woke up and went to the doctor's office to start my test. They took a fasting lab and my result was 88 (normal range 65-95). Not so bad. The 1 hour however proved to be a lot worse. The normal range is 65-180 and my level was 231. Wowzers. The 2 hour result was 179 (normal range 65-155). Then I was back to normal again at the 3 hour mark with results of 72 (normal 65-140).

The nurse called me this morning with my results and said that Dr S. hadn't even been in to see them yet. But, Nurse Robin says that I'll have to monitor (prick finger) my sugar 4 times a day (fasting, after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner) and watch every single thing that goes into my mouth. She also informed me that no matter what some people do or how hard they try their bodies are just overwhelmed and can't handle the processing of glucose. In those cases, insulin is required via shots each day. We'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it.

As for now, I have to go to a gestational diabetic class and meet with a nutritionist to learn what life is going to be like for the next 9 weeks. But, folks...that's it - 9 weeks. That's all it's going to be until I'm holding little Samuel Corbin in my arms and kissing his sweet little face. This is a drop in the bucket and a very tiny, very small price to pay for the health of my son. So, onward and upward. Maybe after this pregnancy I can write a book on what it's like to experience all these crazy pregnancy things from my two (well, really three) pregnancies. Let's see, what would it include? Preeclampsia, Gestational Diabetes, Two-Vessel Cord, Group B Strep, Miscarriage, Minor Infertility Issues (compared to many out there). Yep, it could be a doozie of a book! But, like I said...all this is such a very small price to pay for the sweet reward at the end. My babies are very worth it!

Lab Results

As I posted, my 28 week visit was last Wednesday. I had to do my glucose challenge and had several labs run afterwards. Well, one of those was to check for iron. Mine was low. No big deal - I'm on iron supplements and will start eating more iron fortified cereal in the morning. That's an easy fix.

The other test was my glucose challenge. My levels were a little elevated. Anything between 140 and 200 requires a second test (the three hour glucose challenge). Below 140 is normal. Above 200 and you're automatically diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Mine was 162. Not off the charts but not normal either. I did eat breakfast that morning - toast. So, I don't know if that had any influence on the results or not. Either way, Tuesday night I stop eating after midnight and Wednesday morning I got in at 8:30 for a three hour challenge to find out if I do indeed have a sugar issue that I'll need to monitor throughout the rest of my pregnancy (10 WEEKS to go!) or not. We'll see. Either way, it'll be fine. I'm just continuing to place this sweet baby boy's health and my own in His hands.

28 Week Check Up

Wow! I feel so very blessed this morning. I went to see Dr S. for my 28 week check up and everything went splendid. My blood pressure was 136/80...nearly perfect, especially for me at the doctor's office. I took my glucose challenge and had my blood draw for that, iron levels, and an antibody screen. I also had an ultrasound and got to see sweet Samuel. He's so darn cute ya'll. His little profile is just precious. His heart was beating at 146 and his weight was 3 lbs and 3 oz. Which is so very crazy to me because Sarah Kate was born at 32 weeks and was only 4 lbs. So, Sam is a big boy! I'm just so thankful to have gotten to the third trimester without one major hiccup. (Knock on wood) It's all truly because of lots of prayer and I am so thankful that God has had his hand on us through this entire pregnancy. What a blessing!

Mommy loves you, Sam!

26 Weeks

Yes, this is me at 26 weeks (6 1/2 months) pregnant. I'm a hoss. Yes, I realize it. But, that's okay. I've waited tow years to be pregnant. I'm enjoying it. Every single bit of it, thank you very much. (Smile) And let's just face it, I was no skinny chick when I got pregnant.

I continue to feel great. I decided, entirely on my own, to monitor my blood pressure at home whenever I thought about it. I try to do it once a day. It's continuing to stay perfect for me. 130s over 70s. Praise God. It's not by mistake that this time has been an easier and healthier pregnancy. It is by His hand that it's been better. Make no mistake about it. I thank God every day for his mercies and for His abundant blessings in this pregnancy. I return to see Dr S. on the 22nd and am eager to see another glimpse of my sweet baby boy growing inside!

Heart Burn!

Oh Lord have mercy. I never had heartburn with Sarah Kate. Never ever. To be honest, I don't know that I really knew what it felt like until Mr. Sam came along. I hear that it means he'll have a lot of hair. We'll see soon enough, I guess. I just wish he could do without some of that hair so that Momma could do without the heartburn.

24 Week Visit

Today, I went for my 24 week visit and a repeat ultrasound. They couldn't see the bottom half of Samuel's spine (Yes, that's our name...Samuel Corbin. And, yes, you can call him Sam.). So, they called me back for my ultrasound and even though the tech had a horrible time seeing the spine - she had to dig in my pelvic bone for a good 10 minutes - she saw it and he's perfectly fine. Praise the Lord. She confirmed again that he is, in fact, a he. He's weighing in at 1lb 6 oz....a big growing boy. He's also in a Frank Breach position, which means his head is under my breast, his right under my belly button and his feet wrap around up under my other breast. So, his little sweet baby feet are right in front of his face. The ultrasound tech switched the machine over to 3D and I tell you what she got some of the coolest, sweetest pictures of this baby that ever was. He had his feet and hands all bundled together and he would tickle his feet and lean his little head back with a grin. It was the neatest thing to watch. He's precious in every way. Simply a gift from God.

As for me...well, I'm doing pretty good myself. Blood pressure is staying fairly good. At home on my cuff and in my own environment it's MUCH better (120s over 70s) but today at the office it was 140/82. Not too bad for me. In fact, with me and my situation, Dr S. isn't worried until it's 150/90. That's cause upping some meds. But, as of now, we're doing great. She pulled up my charts when I was pregnant with Sarah Kate and reminded me that with her, at 16 weeks I was already in that danger zone of 150s/90s and higher. I'm at 24 weeks and haven't even touched that yet. Again, praise God. That's not a coincidence. It's truly another gift from God and answer to prayer. Dr. S. said, "Kristin, this time is different." Music to my ears.

So, needless to say, I'm so happy with the results of today's visit and we have my 28 week visit (another ultrasound due to semi high bps and my glucose screening) scheduled for mid-September. Hard to believe I'm already 6 months!

A Show

Last night, Sarah Kate and I were doing our normal night time routine. We had already said our prayers and had just finished singing our song. When all of a sudden, baby boy wanted to play. Sarah Kate's face was right there eye level with my belly. She saw it move. She lit up like a Christmas tree. Then she put her hand on my belly and felt it move. She squealed she was so excited. 21 weeks (almost) and already seeing movement from the outside...he's going to be a strong boy!

20 Week Belly Shot

Big sister took this picture. I know it looks like I'm huge in this 5 month shot but I promise it's not that big in person. It's good to see my belly growing and feel this sweet baby boy moving around inside.

It's a BOY!

I posted this on my regular Marsh family blog so I'm a little delayed in posting it here. But, we couldn't be more happy or feel more blessed to announce that we're expecting a BOY! When the ultrasound tech rolled that thing over my belly and said, "You guys are having a boy!" I couldn't stop laughing. My belly was just jiggling up and down and she couldn't get a good picture for another 2 minutes. I just feel so overwhelmingly blessed.

Here are a few ultrasound pictures...
Leg

Sweet little baby feet!

We can hardly wait until December to meet our baby boy!

16 week visit

Today, I went in for my 16 week visit (a few days early...I'm really still in my 15th week) today. Dr. S is headed for vacation tomorrow and I wanted to get in and be seen by her before she left rather than see someone else. My blood pressure was a very good (for me) 136/84. Not too shabby. The heartbeat was good and strong. I forgot to ask what it was exactly...but I heard it and that was good enough for me. Such a sweet sweet sound. My weight gain thus far is 3 lbs. Almost 16 weeks and 3 lbs is not bad at all. I'd probably gained 10 already (by this time in my pregnancy) with Sarah Kate.

All really is going well so far. I'm so thankful to God. All good things come from above. I know that full well. Dr S. did say that if all continues to go well that she'd plan on scheduling a c-section the week before my due date. But, that's a ways off. I did schedule our BIG ultrasound today though. So, hopefully on July 20th we'll find out what this little peanut is...boy or girl. I can hardly wait.

Second Trimester! Yay!!

Well, we've made it past the first trimester and into the golden second trimester! That couldn't make me any happier. Hard to believe I'm 14 weeks today. But, I was telling my mother-in-law just this morning, it seems like it's taking forever to find out the sex of this little peanut. It could have something to do with the fact that we've known I was pregnant since before Easter. But, next month is just around the corner. We have so much to do to prepare for this sweet baby.

As far as how I'm feeling...it's great. I've not been nauseous once. I'm starting to feel a little less tired. My belly is starting to show. I remember with Sarah Kate I bought maternity clothes at 12 weeks. I'm not yet in maternity clothes but on a couple of my pants I've had to use the rubber band trick. It won't be far off, that's for sure. What a welcome sight after almost 2 years of trying to have a baby.

We're so happy for this blessing and are continuing to take it day by day. God is good.

I love you more than I could ever find the words to say...

A Bit of a Scare

The day after my doctor's appointment, Thursday, I got up at about 11:30pm to use the bathroom and had some pink spotting. FREAK OUT. I'd had some brown spotting off an on but never pink. My immediate thought, "No, not now. Please, God. I just told my baby. She's excited. She can't wait to be a big sister. How would I...how could I tell her that something has happened?" My mind works like that. Worst possible thing first then I start thinking of the positives.

Needless to say I made an appointment for 1:30 on Friday. I saw someone other than Dr. S. Not my favorite day to do that...but I had to be seen. It was the nurse practitioner and she was great. But, before I saw her I had my ultrasound. I walked back and as soon as that probe hit my uterus...there was that beautiful flicker of the baby's heartbeat. THANK YOU GOD. I was seriously praying out loud as that ultrasound tech did what she needed to do. In fact, part of my prayer was that the baby was "God's perfect design" and she wrote that on the ultrasound print off for me. So, why the spotting? I have a low lying placenta. Yep...it's not placenta previa (meaning the placenta doesn't cover my cervix completely) but it's right there partially covering it. The good news is that it will correct itself as my belly grows. The placenta will move up with my uterus. Bad news? Anything I do to strain (pick up a 30 lb child, a basket of laundry, ANYTHING) and I could spot. If I spot...I go back in for another ultrasound just to double check. I'm praying my belly grows fast...so that I don't have to worry about the spotting I sometimes see anymore.

Telling Sarah Kate

Aaron and I decided we couldn't hold it any longer and figured since all went well and we're now entering the 2nd trimester that it was safe to tell Sarah Kate the news. We decided to try and make the night special by taking her out to eat...we went to Galvins (a little place in downtown Georgetown). On the way, in the car I was telling Aaron that I'd asked Matt to come up on a day off (he does landscaping and if it rains he sits at home) and help me do some stuff around the house. When Aaron asked what my response was, "Well, we're going to borrow Kelli's crib and he can haul it over to our house in his truck." I wasn't even thinking. I thought it slipped past Sarah Kate's radar but I wasn't so lucky.

Sarah Kate: "Why do we need Kelli's crib?"

Wanting to tell her in a better and sweeter way I replied
Mommy: "For your baby dolls."
I'd hoped that would pacifier her until we could tell her in a special way.

Sarah Kate: "I already have a crib for my babies."
Aaron (under his breath): "You've done it now. You opened that can of worms...might as well tell her now."
Mommy (turning around in the seat of the car): "Sarah Kate, we need a crib to put your baby brother or baby sister in. You're going to be a big sister!"
Sarah Kate (biting her bottom lip and no expression on her face): "When?"
Mommy: "When it gets cold out and you see Christmas trees up...that's when your baby brother or baby sister will come!"
Sarah Kate: "Really?!" (grinning from ear to ear and kicking her feet with excitement) "I'm going to be a big sister!!!"
Mommy: "Yep, you sure are...the baby is in my belly right now!"
Sarah Kate: " I want to see it!"

After explaining that seeing the baby wouldn't happen for quite a while we parked the car and headed into the restaurant. As we waited to be seated Sarah Kate kept touching and feeling my belly saying, "I love you baby sister!". I reminded her that it could just as easily be a baby brother but she wouldn't hear of it. She was so excited she couldn't sit still, let alone eat anything.

It wasn't how I'd envisioned telling her about the new baby but it was special to her none-the-less. She asked a million and one questions during dinner. "How does the baby get to eat while it's in your belly?" "Did God put the baby in your belly with a magic wand?" "Does she cry in there?" "Can I fell her? Will she move when I push on your belly?" It's going to be a fun 6 months ahead!

12 Week Visit

Today, I visited Dr Simms for the 3rd time, this pregnancy, for my 12 week visit. As of today I'm 12 weeks and 2 days and all is fantastic. God is good! The baby's heartbeat was 160 and it sounded precious. I very much enjoy these uneventful visits...ones where you go in, they take your blood pressure (140/82...yes, high for the normal joe but for me - it's just fine and dandy), you pee in a cup, and they listen to the heartbeat. I got back at the end of the month, I'll be 15 weeks and 3 days on my next visit. Typically, I'd go back during my 16th week but Dr Simms was going to be on vacation and if at all possible I like to always see her. After that visit, we'll find out the sex probably mid to late July. It'll be right in time to tell Sarah Kate if she's having a baby sister or baby brother for her birthday!

I feel fantastic. At my appointment today, they told me I'd lost 2 lbs. They weren't worried but told me that couldn't continue. I'll work on it. Ha! I'd spend the previous 6 months loosing weight and now they're telling me it's a bad thing. I know...I know...truly it's by no fault of my own. I'm doing everything right. I'll tell you though, this heat is going to get to me rather quickly. It's so humid out. The nurse today basically gave me a sermon on staying inside, resting, keeping my feet up, drinking lots of water, etc. She doesn't have to tell me - I'm not a sun goddess anyway. In fact, I had the heat. I'll be begging for crisp and cool Fall weather before the end of the week.

Sarah Kate still has no idea that she's going to become a big sister this year. We plan on telling her tonight when Aaron gets home. I can hardly wait. I just know that every morning when she wakes up she'll ask, "Is it going to be today, Momma?" So, I've decided to explain to her that when she sees Christmas lights being put up and when it gets cold outside...she'll be about to become a big sister. It's the only way I know to put it into perspective for her. But, I know she'll be so excited!

10 weeks!

It's hard to believe my weeks are reaching double digits. Small steps of progress, right? Two more weeks and I'll reach that ever precious second trimester. It's also quite hard to believe that here I am nearly 2 and 1/2 months pregnant and nobody knows. It's so hard to keep it in. But, Aaron wants to wait until that 12 week mark to announce it to the world. So, that's what we're doing.

As far as how I feel...tired. Very tired and I have very sore breasts. That's my every day reminder that things are still on track. There are several things that enter my mind numerous times a day. Here's my list...

1) How are we going to tell Sarah Kate. I want it to be so special. She's prayed every single night for a sibling and I want her to know that God answer her sweet and special prayer.
2) What am I going to do with all the stuff that's in the spare bedroom to make room for a nursery? Heavens. I just want to pull a dump truck out in front of the house and start throwing stuff out the windows.
3) Names. I think about them all the time. Pros and Cons. Ways certain ones can be made fun of or how they'll look on stationary.
4) Health. I pray for the baby's health daily...that God will watch over that sweet little peanut and help him or her grow exactly the way that he/she should. I also pray about my health. That this time, I'll get to see what it's like to make it full term. Wouldn't that be something?

There are so many more things that rush through my mind. But, those are my top 4 for the day. I'm so excited about this little life that's growing inside. It's so much fun to dream about this baby.

Shooting for the Moon!

I don't know if I have or haven't mentioned it in the previous posts or not. I'm not posting them yet...just writing them. To find out, I'd have to go through my posts and click on each one, read through them, and search individually. I'm just not going to do that. SO, in case I've told you, I'm sorry. But, if I haven't...my due date is December 14.

I'm a December baby so I realize that this stinks a little bit. But, I'm December 28th. That REALLY stinks. It's in between two of the biggest holidays of the year. Everyone is busy and very few care about a birthday stuck in between. December 14, however, is doable. It's before the Christmas rush. I know that these days, nobody makes it to their actual due date. Making it to 40 weeks is just unheard of...especially for a Mom who delivered her previous baby at 32 weeks!

But this time, I'm shooting for the moon. I'm going for it - all the way. It's going to be a healthy pregnancy. I feel it in my bones. I'm resting easy in His embrace (yep, that's a song). I'm putting the burden of my fears at His feet. I'm letting Him carrying me through it. No worries. No stress. I'm going to do this thing all the way! Maybe not 40 weeks all the way...but pretty darn close. I just know it.

Perfect Appointment.

God is in control. I reminded myself of that yesterday. He reminded me of that today. I went to my appointment expecting the worst. But, what I got was the best news ever. Baby Marsh is growing perfectly. He/She is measuring 8 weeks and 2 days. That sweet baby's heart rate was 176 and he/she is already developing arm and leg buds. It was the sweetest sight I've seen in some time. A very welcomed sight indeed. My blood pressure was a perfect 120/80. How that happened I'll never know - I was nervous as could be. They drew labs and gave me the whole pregnancy run through. It was a great appointment. Dr S. wasn't sure what the brown spotting was from - they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound at all. She wasn't too concerned at this point. She said it could be a number of things - most of which were minor. I didn't spot all day today but just before typing this (and bedtime) I had a small amount again. I'll continue to pray that it's insignificant and doesn't affect the sweet baby that's growing inside. I'm taking it easy (no lifting, no hanky panky, no heavy chores) until it stops. Other than that - all is well. Dr S. said, "Everything looks perfect! Congrats!" She was very pleased with today - just like I was.
I'm relieved and excited. But, I'm still refraining from too much excitement. My next appointment is June 2 and that will be my 12 week visit. I'll be able to breathe a HUGE sigh of relief after this first trimester is over and done with. That's when the real party starts. I'm praying every day that God reminds me that He is in control. That He is always by my side and He never leaves me.

After seeing Dr. S. I was on cloud nine. Mom had Sarah Kate for the day so I took advantage of it. I ran and got a quick haircut (Great Clips...cheap and it does the job) and then on to see the dentist about a toothache that has been killing me for a week. Ended up I have to get one tooth pulled and three cavities filled. That's what I get for not going to the dentist for FIVE years! Yes, you read that right. I know, horrible! I promise that's never happened to me before. I wore braces, I was a annual dentist kind of patient. Then I fell of the wagon. NEVER will happen again. My dentist is going to consult with Dr S. about his treatment plan. I'd say not much more (than the cleaning/consult that I had today) will happen until after the first trimester. We'll see.

Today was jam packed with telling and exciting news. I'm anxious already for the 4 weeks ahead to fly by so that I can hear that sweet heartbeat. So that I can know again and get affirmation that he/she is still thriving. Until then, I'll keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep dreaming.

Spotting...Again.

Tomorrow is my 8 week appointment. Ever since 4 weeks I've been free and clear of any spotting. Tonight, right before bed I went to the bathroom and there...on the toilet paper...was some light brown spotting. My heart sank. No. Not again. Please. Tomorrow we'll find out what's going on. God is in control. God is in control. God is in control.

Life Lessons

This morning Sarah Kate woke up at 6:00. Early bird gets the worm, right? She was anxious to get to school today. Only problem was, she had to wait until 8:15 to leave. So, after eating breakfast, doing her inhaler, brushing her teeth, cleaning her earrings, and getting dressed we still had an hour left to burn. She didn't want to watch cartoons. She didn't want to read. She didn't want to play. She WANTED to go to SCHOOL! I kept telling her that the doors would be locked, nobody would be there. I could see what she couldn't. I knew that we'd go there and sit in the parking lot for an hour waiting on someone to arrive. It didn't make sense. She still didn't understand and insisted that we leave. Of course, even though she cried a bit and was very impatient, I stayed at home until it was the right time to leave.

This morning...with this situation...I was reminded of myself and how often I plead with God for things to happen when I want them to. I am often Sarah Kate. I cry and worry and fret. I want to go to "school" NOW! But, God can see ahead. He knows that if things were to happen on my clock that we might sit in an empty parking lot for hours. I have to learn to trust God's timing. I have to trust in His perfect plan.

Just like with this second baby. I think things are going well. No more spotting, feeling fine, one ultrasound down, progesterone staying at good levels...but I'm not in control. He is. I have to know that no matter what time God chooses to make things happen (or not) in my life...HE is in control. He sees all and He knows all. He always knows what's best for His children.

How I Feel

I'm 6 weeks (and some days) pregnant right now. I'm starting to feel pregnant. To be honest, I've had symptoms for about 3 weeks now. My breasts have been so tender and sore. But, as of the past week or so, I feel tired. Very tired. That's exactly what I felt with Sarah Kate. All I wanted to do was sleep. I do great during the day but by about 7:30ish I'm ready to crash.

My Itty Bitty Baby

Dearest Baby Mine,


I'm carrying your tiny sesame seed sized body around in my belly today. Although I've vowed not to love you yet, for fear of loosing you, I can't help myself. I tell your Daddy that I'm not attached. I tell your myself that I'm okay either way this pregnancy goes. But, the truth is, I'm in love. I can't help it. It's a gift really. God gave it to me. He gave me this wonderful ability to love you right from the very first thought of you. And I do. I am already wondering what you will be. Will you be a little boy that likes to run and play in the dirt? Or will you be another sweet little girl who loves to dress in pink and pearls? Will you look like your big sister? Will you come early like she did? Will you be laid back or full of energy? Will you have brown eyes like your Daddy and me or blue like Sarah Kate?

See? You're only 5 very short weeks old and I already have a mind that is filled with thoughts of you. And a heart that's full of love for you. Am I still scared? Yes. Very. I'm scared that like my last pregnancy - you'll be taken out too soon. I'm scared that I'll never get to meet you and find out the answers to all those questions. But, you know what? I'll love you either way. I'm your Mommy already...even before I have met you and you will always have a spot in my heart. Always and forevermore and that's a promise from me to you, sweet baby.

My prayer is that I will be able to hold you tight in 8 or so months. That I'll be able to smell your sweet baby face and kiss your little head. My prayer is that God will bless you and I both with health throughout the months ahead. And until we meet, my sweet baby, know that you've already found a spot in my heart and in my mind.

I love you dearly,

Mommy

Ultrasound #1

Well, today was my first visit with Dr S. for this pregnancy. Really, it was just an ultrasound to make sure things were as they should be at 5 weeks. The gestational sac and yolk sac measured 5 weeks and 6 days. According to my last period I should be 5 weeks and 2 days. So, the little baby is growing as it should for this stage in pregnancy. For some reason I won't get into (it's too lengthy) the ultrasound tech could even tell that I ovulated from my right ovary. Pretty neat. It's still so early. So much could change. So much WILL change. But, I just don't know in what direction yet. I'm very happy with today's results just not getting attached yet.

My blood pressure was 132/90. Yes, it's high but it's par for the course at this point. As Dr S. said, "I've seen it worse." She wasn't concerned. I document my very normal blood pressures every day for record.

First appointment went well. My first official OB visit (with labs, another ultrasound, etc) will be May 4 and I'll be about 8 weeks. Looking forward to seeing baby's progress.

Bitter Sweet

I remember the early days of my pregnancy with Sarah Kate. I remember when we found out and how Aaron literally giggled and ran up and down the halls of our first home. I remember reading every day what type of growth was happening inside of me. I remember anticipation and energy and excitement and no fear. I'm sure all subsequent pregnancies are different after you've experienced it once before. You know more of what to expect. That wonder isn't the same. That's kind of sad for me. That paired with the fact that I can't let myself get excited yet. I'm suppressing my excitement, my happiness even, so that my heart doesn't get broken too badly again.

May 4 (my 8 week appointment) can't come soon enough. I want to feel that anticipation, the calm after the storm, the reassurance, the energy that I felt with when I was pregnant with Sarah Kate. I want to know it's all going to be okay. I want to see a little heart beat and know that this precious life growing inside is okay.

Some Good News

Some things have changed since my last post. I repeated labs, per my doctor's instructions, on Monday (April 5) which was 48 hours from my very first lab. The numbers should have doubled in that time. So, since my last lab was 29, I was hoping for somewhere around 58. The result was 115. It almost exactly quadrupled. The results from my progesterone also came in and they are at a very stable 18. Those results, to me, were hopeful.

Due to my previous miscarriage, Dr. S. wanted me to repeat labs later in the week. So, on Friday morning (April 9) I went for another repeat lab. From my original labs the level should be around 232. If I calculated doubles every 48 hours from my last lab (of 115) my levels should be around 460. I would have been happy if the number fell somewhere in between. I got my results Friday afternoon and again - very hopeful. They were 922. Again, quadrupled.

Things look good today. But, I know that at any given moment that can change. I'm only 4 weeks right now. My spotting has subsided for now. All last week it was hit or miss. There's a long journey ahead. Very long. So, one day at a time. I'll hear from my doctor's office sometime on Tuesday as to what the next course of action is. The nurse did mention that if my levels continue to jump like they are that they will call me in when they reach 2000 for a "head count ultrasound". Yes, you read that right. There might be more than one. We're continuing to pray that God's will be done in our lives and that His hand of comfort will surround us.

I'm a worrier by nature. It's what I do and what I've always done. But, I read something just this weekend that truly spoke to me. "Worry ends where faith begins." My faith needs to be stronger. I'm working on that. I'm doing my best to put this entire thing in God's hands and know that He will carry us through no matter what path this pregnancy heads down.

Unsure

As of today, I don't know exactly how the results of our first round of Clomid will turn out. First, let's get the technical stuff out of the way. Since this is my record and journal of all things infertility...I'm going to jot down what I know. My first clomid cycle started on March 8. I did exactly everything that my doctor advised and exactly when she advised it. On cycle day 23, I had some spotting. That's not typical of my cycles. Usually they run long - around 30 days. Spotting continued. On cycle day 26 I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I called my doctor and they immediately ordered labs. I took another at home test on Saturday and it was a stronger positive. Saturday (April 3) afternoon I went to the hospital here in town for a blood draw. I got the results this morning. The blood work came back positive. However, the hcg levels were low...29. They also tested for low progesterone and I'm still waiting to her the results of that. The spotting continues as of today, cycle day 29. I'll repeat labs this afternoon to see if the levels are on their way down (miscarriage) or on their way up (possible successful pregnancy).

There's not really much I know right now. All of this happened with the last miscarriage. My levels even went up on the second lab results. So, even if the labs are favorable tomorrow that doesn't mean all will be well. I'm just riding it out. Taking it day by day. Mom said on the phone with me this morning that I sounded good. To be honest...I'm fine. With my first miscarriage, I was side swiped. I was expecting (due to good labs and no more spotting) that things were fine and went into the doctor's office to find out the complete opposite. So, this time...I have prepared myself for the worst. I'm not attaching to this baby. Not yet. If it sticks then I'll grow to love it just as I did Sarah Kate in the early stages of pregnancy. But, if it doesn't stick then I won't have my heart broken. Better to be safe than sorry, I guess.

On top of that I feel a peace. I've stopped praying for a second child. I pray for peace. I pray that God's will be done in our lives. I pray that He will direct our every move and our every focus. So, whatever reason there is for these bumps in the road, I'm sure that God has a plan for our family. I just have to listen and wait.

Clomid

Imagine the most terrifying event of your life. Go ahead...imagine it. Imagine that this event is something that put your life in danger and the life of someone you loved very deeply. Now, imagine praying to God every day since that you could do it again. It's nuts, isn't it? My feelings of fear and desire are equal. I'd not put one above the other. I want this second baby so badly but I'm just as equally scared of having him or her. Will we both make it out okay? Will it be healthy this time or just like last time? Will it be worse?

All these emotions are on the forefront of my mind today because we're actually starting the process of fertility medicine. This morning, I took my first clomid. Wow. I was scared. I literally held it in my hand for a while before I popped it in my mouth. My prayer is that God's will be done. My prayer is that if He is keeping this pregnancy from us for a reason that I can't fathom then I ask that He continue to keep it from us. I feel like if I pray that prayer then if we do get pregnant it will be blessed. I'm praying for peace and calm. I'm praying for a mindset that God has this in control. That He can handle it all for us. I don't have to worry and fret. I'm trying hard to place it as His feet and just continue living my life. Whatever happens is what He deems best. So, if you're one of the hand full of people that read this blog...please pray these prayers with me and for me.

Wilderness

In church today, our pastor spoke about Jesus in the wilderness. One of the things he said that really stuck with me was that God sometimes uses the "wilderness" to transform us. For some reason as he talked past that statement, I found myself stuck there. I was thinking about my current wilderness (infertility). Brother Bishop said that sometimes when faced with situations like this that we test God instead of trust Him. Man, I felt like has talking to me all morning.

I find myself testing God. Well, really - more like questioning Him during my very valley filled infertility experience. But, really, I should be trusting Him. I should be clinging to Him and watching as He uses this time to transform me.

My prayer today is that this journey of infertility not be in vain. That it be used to make me a better person, a better mother, a more appreciative Christian. May I stop testing and questioning Him and trust that His plan for our life is perfect. A friend recently said, "If we are to retain a right relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, we must simply close our minds to questions that stir up doubt." Yet another sentence that stuck. Please, Lord, let this be my prayer.

First Infertility Step

Well, this morning I ventured across town to CVS and picked up my prescription of clomid. For some reason I was nervous before picking it up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But, it's me. It's just how I am when the word "pregnancy" enters my mind. I find myself sick with fear and worry. But, this time...today...as I drove the car through our town I prayed. I prayed a very simple prayer. "God, please take this from me." Okay, even as I type it I still tear up. I can't do this anymore. I can't worry and I can't carry this fear with me throughout the issues of trying to conceive and through a pregnancy if we're blessed with one. I simply can't. So, as my prayer went on - I asked God to give me a peace that surrounds me. I want to trust Him. I don't want to think of miscarriages and preeclampsia and preemies. I want to think of hope and trust and faith.
So, as we take this first step towards our treatment in infertility...please pray that prayer with me and for me. Please pray that peace and trust will be the anthem that I sing daily.

Sarah Kate's Prayer

Last night as we held hands on the bed to say our night time prayer this was Sarah Kate's prayer word for word.

"Dear Father,

Thank you for my mommy & daddy. Please, God, give me a baby brother or sister. I want one so badly.

Amen."

I couldn't say it better myself.

Family of Four

Here we are...a family of four even if for a fleeting moment. This was my birthday last year...my 29th. This was the day I found out that we were expecting our second sweet baby. The joy lasted only a few weeks. But, it was pure joy. The thought that we were going to have another sweet baby to love was simply wonderful. The idea that Sarah Kate was going to be a big sister simply thrilled me like no other has since. January was a hard month for me. It was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I made it through though. I wonder if it will always be hard or if each year it will get easier and easier. Only time will tell. This year though? It was tough. It was the first time I had to endure it knowing that I should be holding a 3 month old. That's hard. I always try to remind myself that God's plans are not always my own and that He knows all things and sees all things. That offers comfort but it's sometimes not enough when I reach that dark place and question why. That's hard to admit.

As we entered 2010, I had a friend say to me, "This is your year...if you want it to be." And she's right - at least I believe it could be. She keeps telling me that I need to call my doctor and get the Clomid ball rolling. I know I do. I will. I'm dropping my weight (I've lost 13 with another 10 - 15 lbs to go) and then I'll make the call. Until then, I'm praying that we will get that chance to be a family of four. My prayer is that we'll get that chance when God knows it's the perfect time.

My goal

I have a goal. Right now, it's to get healthy. I started Weight Watchers last week and I lost 5.4 lbs in the first week. That just shows how unhealthy I was eating before I started! Given the fact that my first pregnancy was scary, we delivered a 4 lb preemie, and I was in danger for the last few weeks (hospitalized)...I decided to try and get healthy before we actively pursue fertility drugs. As you might recall, Dr. S. said that she'd give us some Clomid in January. Well, it's January and we're not on Clomid. The reason? I've simply not called yet. I really think it's important for me to get healthy first. So, for the next few months I'm going to concentrate on that. Then, come Spring...we'll likely call Dr. S. for our first round of Clomid. Until then, we're praying and hoping that God will work in our family to prepare us for what He has in store.

The Hardest Part

Recently, Sarah Kate asked when she was going to have a big sister. I explained to her that was never going to happen...SHE would be the big sister if/when it ever happens. Then, she went on to ask about a little sister.

Sarah Kate: "Well, can we go get a little sister today?"
Mommy: "No, sweetie. God has to give us a baby. We can't just go get one. And when God does bless us with a baby...it has to grow in mommy's tummy for a while."
Sarah Kate: "Can I rub your tummy when the baby grows?"
Mommy: "Yes, sweetie. But, there's no baby there yet."
Sarah Kate: "When will there be a baby there?"
Mommy: "I don't know, sweetie. Soon, I hope."

Conversations like these are hard for me. It breaks my heart that right now, we can't make Sarah Kate a big sister. She hears all of her classmates in school talking about siblings. She has none and there's nothing she (or I) can do about it. I know the very few of you reading this blog might think...tough, it's a life lesson. But, it just simply breaks my heart. I know the companionship and love that I share with my brothers and it's priceless. I just hope and pray that someday Sarah Kate can really know and enjoy the reality of being a sister. It's irreplaceable.