Wilderness

In church today, our pastor spoke about Jesus in the wilderness. One of the things he said that really stuck with me was that God sometimes uses the "wilderness" to transform us. For some reason as he talked past that statement, I found myself stuck there. I was thinking about my current wilderness (infertility). Brother Bishop said that sometimes when faced with situations like this that we test God instead of trust Him. Man, I felt like has talking to me all morning.

I find myself testing God. Well, really - more like questioning Him during my very valley filled infertility experience. But, really, I should be trusting Him. I should be clinging to Him and watching as He uses this time to transform me.

My prayer today is that this journey of infertility not be in vain. That it be used to make me a better person, a better mother, a more appreciative Christian. May I stop testing and questioning Him and trust that His plan for our life is perfect. A friend recently said, "If we are to retain a right relationship with God, through Jesus Christ, we must simply close our minds to questions that stir up doubt." Yet another sentence that stuck. Please, Lord, let this be my prayer.

First Infertility Step

Well, this morning I ventured across town to CVS and picked up my prescription of clomid. For some reason I was nervous before picking it up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But, it's me. It's just how I am when the word "pregnancy" enters my mind. I find myself sick with fear and worry. But, this time...today...as I drove the car through our town I prayed. I prayed a very simple prayer. "God, please take this from me." Okay, even as I type it I still tear up. I can't do this anymore. I can't worry and I can't carry this fear with me throughout the issues of trying to conceive and through a pregnancy if we're blessed with one. I simply can't. So, as my prayer went on - I asked God to give me a peace that surrounds me. I want to trust Him. I don't want to think of miscarriages and preeclampsia and preemies. I want to think of hope and trust and faith.
So, as we take this first step towards our treatment in infertility...please pray that prayer with me and for me. Please pray that peace and trust will be the anthem that I sing daily.

Sarah Kate's Prayer

Last night as we held hands on the bed to say our night time prayer this was Sarah Kate's prayer word for word.

"Dear Father,

Thank you for my mommy & daddy. Please, God, give me a baby brother or sister. I want one so badly.

Amen."

I couldn't say it better myself.

Family of Four

Here we are...a family of four even if for a fleeting moment. This was my birthday last year...my 29th. This was the day I found out that we were expecting our second sweet baby. The joy lasted only a few weeks. But, it was pure joy. The thought that we were going to have another sweet baby to love was simply wonderful. The idea that Sarah Kate was going to be a big sister simply thrilled me like no other has since. January was a hard month for me. It was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I made it through though. I wonder if it will always be hard or if each year it will get easier and easier. Only time will tell. This year though? It was tough. It was the first time I had to endure it knowing that I should be holding a 3 month old. That's hard. I always try to remind myself that God's plans are not always my own and that He knows all things and sees all things. That offers comfort but it's sometimes not enough when I reach that dark place and question why. That's hard to admit.

As we entered 2010, I had a friend say to me, "This is your year...if you want it to be." And she's right - at least I believe it could be. She keeps telling me that I need to call my doctor and get the Clomid ball rolling. I know I do. I will. I'm dropping my weight (I've lost 13 with another 10 - 15 lbs to go) and then I'll make the call. Until then, I'm praying that we will get that chance to be a family of four. My prayer is that we'll get that chance when God knows it's the perfect time.